I have spent the last hour or so tonight looking through photos of us all this time last year and it is breaking my heart that the decisions we have made as had such a huge effect on or family !!
I know we follow medical advice and are in effect lead by the nose by the medical team but still its ME that ultimately signed that consent form and put my child in theatre !!
I wish so much that we had had a crystal ball when we made the decision to gamble with his life and try to get rid of infection by surgically removing everything from his socket ! I wish someone had told me the other side of the coin and that it if it all went wrong my child would lose the last little bit of self confidence he possessed. I wish I was strong enough to follow my gut instinct and stand up to the doctors and say "No I feel in my gut this will not work !!"
But most of all I wish It could of all worked out !!
As it is Cameron cant wear a proper eye so he has to learn to deal with peoples questions and stares and then their pity - that's not just for now that's FOREVER !!
He also still has an infection which is still threatening to see yet more surgical procedures and yet more battles for his overall health in the future and he sill has to deal with all the side effects of the chemo which makes his day to day life so dam difficult. So i sit here today and think what exactly did we solve ???
The answer eludes me !!
Sometimes I just want to sit in the corner and forget everything that has happened - nobody should watch their child go through what we have and yet I feel lucky because I know I'm one of the lucky ones and I still have my child - everyday is a gift and everyday we wonder if today is the day that we notice something that will spark the end !!
Every night when I put my children to bed I look out the window and hope that tomorrow wont be the day that we get took into a little room and told Cam has relapsed. We so want to live every single day to the fullest and now the fact that Cam struggles to leave the house without sunglasses to hide behind or without a big amount of reassurance that we will answer the questions from strangers is a killer because it means that the ultimate goal of making the most of what you have got is suddenly so much harder !
When we give into the fact its easier to stay in than to answer questions or field stares its another example of how the past year has changed us and I really don't think for the better !!
I'm hoping in time we will get to the stage where the looks and the questions don't bother us and I look a Cam full of self esteem and say " huh people sure are nosey eh son ?"
But at the moment that's just a dream and I'm so lost as to how we achieve it ???
No more moaning from me tonight - hopefully tomorrow will be a better day :-)
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